dmfan807's Journals on Buzznet http://dmfan807.buzznet.com/user/journal/ en-us <![CDATA[second tattoo and update]]> http://dmfan807.buzznet.com/user/journal/2602831/ alrighty, havent visited here in awhile. bad bad girl. but now im here with an update on life and everything inbetween. I got my second tattoo on friday of lastweek, my right wrist is the eye of horus. A picture of this one and the first one will be up sooner than later, but need a better camera and a printer/scanner compatable with vista computer system. damn you vista, u suck so much!
starting my second semester at camden county in the fall and im thinking of taking maybe 6 classes: my required ones, 2 world languages, a history class, and maybe start my classes for my major, journalism.

I dont think i mention us getting new pets: two kittens. The eldest, Cammie is our tiger striped. The Middle child, Sid (named after Sid Vicious) she is mine and black as night. (no matter what my mother says, she is my cat). New additions to the family is going to be soon, my sister is due with kid #2 in late august.  Everyone in my life is going through life perfectly and moving forward while i feel stuck in perpetual reruns, but honestly...im ready to let shit go and just go with the flow of everyday and stop expecting things to fall into place with encourgement.  My music collection is growing steadly, so much that i need another cd case lol. already filled up three and now i need another one for the ones i bought back in mid May and the ones i bought on friday night. Books...dont even want to mention that.

Unhappy/Happily single still and not looking for that to change.

i think that is it...yup pretty sure. well, later buzzneters(need to come up with better closing)

]]> books disturbed life changes music tattoos Buzznet dmfan807 2008-06-30T10:11:00Z <![CDATA[short sweet and to the point]]> http://dmfan807.buzznet.com/user/journal/2168521/ well i started college.
semester is almost over i hope.
Smoking alot more than usual.
Losing weight, yay!

Competley Goth now.
Scaring the neighbors is awesome :)

]]> short sweet update Buzznet dmfan807 2008-04-10T12:42:00Z <![CDATA[Life on display poem]]> http://dmfan807.buzznet.com/user/journal/986591/ Life on Display

the life i lead and have led has been on display for all to see all its faults all its failures all the goals unachieved all the memories erased from mine's eye.


Day after Day, our lives are on display for others to see for them to judge in secret and in-person we cant hide our true selfs because its not a choice for us to be secret. We have to do it behind close doors even then we are not in private because the judges are the friends we have and the family we are born to.


Time and Time Again i think about hiding away from the green-eyed monster hiding from all that can change my point of view, of myself.

we can say that others opinions dont matter but we know the truth of it is that it does matter to us, in all the ways we say and dont saywe keep that to our selfs to make us seem more independant that we dont care about what others think, because we are ashamed.

we blame ourselfs for everything that has happened to us but cant bring words to light and make it know, that we DO care what you think.


Hiding our personal life is impossible someone
will always get in and under our skingetting in
and making us feel unsafe and vunerable to the
breaking point but our personal life is always
going to show either from face or from mouth mouth
of those we trust and keep close

Face of ours
because we cant hide all of our emotions,
nobody can.

*********

Life on Display
For all to see
Come one, Come all

take a gander of the failures

that i have created and lived

gawk at everything that has become good

and yet turned to shit notice the lies.

i have kept and the truth that i cant showmake mockiers of me,

stone me for the burdon that i am burn me for the ritual cleansing

kill me for sacried truths and hopes.

The life

i have led and still lead

Will always be...

Life on disply 

]]> depeche mode life on display personal agnst poem Buzznet dmfan807 2007-09-12T09:05:00Z <![CDATA[feelings]]> http://dmfan807.buzznet.com/user/journal/986561/ feeling lost and confused  
Alrighty, now you all know about me and my family. the music, the people, the culture. all the shit i have been posting lately because i havent gotten the inspiritaion to write something. But now i think it has come back, yay. As you may or may not know, i have been writing fan fictions for about a year now and even though they might be as good but i think they compelte shit, i dont get many reviews for them and i fine with that, its only about getting the words out, right? So, yes i write fan fictions and so far, things have gone well. so i was thinking about posting them here. I have a membership to a website that is a community of us and i have about 6 fic, 5 of them are finished and i am in the process of the sixth one. Then my adultfanficition website membership, i have a few their and i like where some of those are going, even though they may not be finished(some, not all) i....(sigh) dont know what i am doing.

I have been thinking more and more about school and then i had finally decided that i was going to start in Januaray of 2008 and yet, i still dont know what i want to major in. At first it was law, and then i acted before i thought things through and was accepted into the program and yet i didnt even go to classes because i had decided to take a year off. In that time off, i thought about what i wanted to do and then i was struck with an artist look and decided that maybe photography was meant for me, i went out and bought disposable cameras and 2 regular ones and took
pictures.

 moms took them to get developed and yet i dont think we have seen them yet we still havent seen them yet. But i know that from what i took pics of, i dont have the eye that most artist get, so i guess that was premature of me to start looking at art school and everything. Then for 4weeks i did nothing but read, and then i thought, "hmm, why not get an english major." seems perfect right? i love reading and talking about books i have read, it sounds perfect. The downside: the only job i could get with an english degree is teacher and i AM NOT the teaching kind. i hate kids and so no. 

Great, now i am back at square one. What the hell am i suppose to major in? why is so easy for others to know what they want to do, what to major in and i cant even find employment in fucking south jersey and yet i want to get an education so i can move on. (HUGE SIGH)

I feel stuck, and i hate that feeling. My mind gets restless and i end up giving up on sleep and think all night long, and i end up tired the next morning but with ideas steaming but they are all based on a sleepless night, which i hate. When my noggin gets restless i end up feeling weird and stupid because i am not like other people and they would be in the 2nd year of school by now, but not me... i had to take a year off and now i am behind everyone but it doesnt matter to me, i just want to know what the hell i am suppose to do with my life. why cant someone do it for me? i bet that they would tell me and i wouldnt have a problem with it and yet i cant get together ideas in my head about what would be best for me and it is my life, i cant have someone plan out my entire life for me.

I tried to think about everything clearly and i am still coming up emypt. This feeling sucks and i dont know why. 

I need help and suggestions that would provide me with some sort of idea what i should do, maybe a major that i havent thought of. maybe a career that hasnt brushed through my landmine of a brain. This just...really sucks. 

I feel lost.
]]> feelings life Buzznet dmfan807 2007-09-12T09:01:00Z